Tuesday, July 14, 2015

fixings and rantings

This post does talk about weight issues; please do not read if you are triggered by talk of weight loss/gain.

This year has been really rough for me.

And surprisingly really good.

I feel so many things. At times, I don't know how to respond to the things I feel. And I don't know what causes me to feel these things, or if I am bringing it on myself.

My anxiety and depression has been going up and down in waves and making it hard to balance life on top of it. I can deal with downs if I'm given downs. I can deal with the ups and manage my life around that. It's the flux that I hate, that makes me feel crazy. I can be fine for a day, and then wake up and feel completely different about the same things as the day before. It's bizarre to me.

Every time I look at this blog, I remember how large I felt. And I thought that was a horrendous thing, to be large.

Looking at it now, I am much larger. I look back and think of how great I looked. I looked really, really great. Now I feel I look completely different. But three months ago, I was much larger than I am today; so how did I feel then? The people around me tell me how impressed they are with me, and how happy they are I look thinner, yet I look back here and can't seem to shake the feeling that even when I was at my thinnest... I still felt large.

How do I become okay with this?

I can't help but feeling it all runs deeper. In my core, I've never quite felt satisfied with anything. It's part of what makes me great and also what causes me the most pain. I'm never good enough, so that makes me want to be better - professionally, it's great. It keeps me always wanting more; more skills, more talents, more ambition, more personal growth. I never want to stop learning. I never want to stop growing. I'm always hungry for more opportunities. But personally, it makes day to day life exhausting.  I not thin enough. I not home enough. I don't work enough. I don't cook at home enough. I don't spend enough time with my family. I don't practice enough. I don't love enough. I'm not pretty enough. I'm not the best mom I can be. I'm not the best wife I can be. I need to be a better teacher. I need to correct my students more. I need to love them more. I need to fix more problems and build better relationships and be more alert and use more time wisely. I'm not awake enough. I can't sleep enough.  People don't like me enough.

My mind never stops.

How do I fix this?

I don't know if anyone reading this has seen the movie Inside Out, but it's brilliant. I wake sometimes in blue. I wake sometimes in yellow. I know no better explination of my condition than this. Some days it is an absolute struggle to find anything positive to say about myself. Some days I don't understand why I am not working harder to find more work because I feel than I am capable and worthy of beautiful roles. Other days I can't stomach to sing.

How do I fix this?

I do know this. My husband works tirelessly to accommodate me and my wonky brain. My daughter has learned to be patient, loving, helpful, empathetic, compassionate and understanding. Even at my absolute worst, my daughter is the one who holds me up and hugs me and tells me that I can do whatever I put my mind to. My daughter tells me I am strong.

And I try and fix it.
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