fixings and rantings

This post does talk about weight issues; please do not read if you are triggered by talk of weight loss/gain.

This year has been really rough for me.

And surprisingly really good.

I feel so many things. At times, I don't know how to respond to the things I feel. And I don't know what causes me to feel these things, or if I am bringing it on myself.

My anxiety and depression has been going up and down in waves and making it hard to balance life on top of it. I can deal with downs if I'm given downs. I can deal with the ups and manage my life around that. It's the flux that I hate, that makes me feel crazy. I can be fine for a day, and then wake up and feel completely different about the same things as the day before. It's bizarre to me.

Every time I look at this blog, I remember how large I felt. And I thought that was a horrendous thing, to be large.

Looking at it now, I am much larger. I look back and think of how great I looked. I looked really, really great. Now I feel I look completely different. But three months ago, I was much larger than I am today; so how did I feel then? The people around me tell me how impressed they are with me, and how happy they are I look thinner, yet I look back here and can't seem to shake the feeling that even when I was at my thinnest... I still felt large.

How do I become okay with this?

I can't help but feeling it all runs deeper. In my core, I've never quite felt satisfied with anything. It's part of what makes me great and also what causes me the most pain. I'm never good enough, so that makes me want to be better - professionally, it's great. It keeps me always wanting more; more skills, more talents, more ambition, more personal growth. I never want to stop learning. I never want to stop growing. I'm always hungry for more opportunities. But personally, it makes day to day life exhausting.  I not thin enough. I not home enough. I don't work enough. I don't cook at home enough. I don't spend enough time with my family. I don't practice enough. I don't love enough. I'm not pretty enough. I'm not the best mom I can be. I'm not the best wife I can be. I need to be a better teacher. I need to correct my students more. I need to love them more. I need to fix more problems and build better relationships and be more alert and use more time wisely. I'm not awake enough. I can't sleep enough.  People don't like me enough.

My mind never stops.

How do I fix this?

I don't know if anyone reading this has seen the movie Inside Out, but it's brilliant. I wake sometimes in blue. I wake sometimes in yellow. I know no better explination of my condition than this. Some days it is an absolute struggle to find anything positive to say about myself. Some days I don't understand why I am not working harder to find more work because I feel than I am capable and worthy of beautiful roles. Other days I can't stomach to sing.

How do I fix this?

I do know this. My husband works tirelessly to accommodate me and my wonky brain. My daughter has learned to be patient, loving, helpful, empathetic, compassionate and understanding. Even at my absolute worst, my daughter is the one who holds me up and hugs me and tells me that I can do whatever I put my mind to. My daughter tells me I am strong.

And I try and fix it.

the war on myself

I have always endured a battle with make up.
Only recently have I noticed that that battle is with myself. 

When I feel like I am worth the time to spend on "me", I am eager to pamper myself for the 10 minutes it takes to put make up on. But there are so many days that I wake up feeling distraught and ugly and I lack the motivation to do something for myself. This is a problem.

I don't want to hide behind make up. 

I want to be happy, content with my body, confident in my abilities, full of motivation, eager to spend time with my family. 

But some days I struggle. When I think negatively, everything I want starts to crumble into some form of "me" that I don't recognize. This triggers a battle in my mind that I must fight; I am worth looking pretty. I am worth feeling confident. I am worth the time it takes to get up in the morning and have a brilliant day, to experience it to the best of my ability.

All this time I thought I had a grudge against this industry. I thought make up would take away a natural beauty that our society hasn't accepted. I wrote about it here, where I posed barefaced, trying to convince myself that I didn't need make up to feel confident. 

The truth is that the problem is an inner object that I have been avoiding, 

and now that I have found it, I hope to change it. 

So I can fight to be this confident woman every day:

highlights

I figured I'd post these because they are LOVELY (thank you Julia Dunne) and they look so professional! Who am I kidding? It's been three days and I miss the show like crazy. I swear after this I may stop talking about it. Maybe not. It really did change my life. I've been asked if people can take my blog at face value and yes, you most certainly can. I'm not trying to puff anything up or be something I'm not. This show really changed my life. I'm not saying it to be a drama queen... I sincerely mean that. Maybe I'll write more about that another day... Here are some pictures:














And I have to add this because it makes me laugh every time I look at it...great happy memories...
My tired, happy face:

I'm seriously thinking about doing some outfit photos...

the big day

Tomorrow marks the debut of my first...
1. Musical
2. Lead role
3. Performance at the ACC

I will love every single moment of it. My dreams are coming true! How cheesy does this sound? But it's true...

These are some snaps from our dress rehearsal. Thank you Kyle McDavid! They are going to serve me well as reminders of how much fun I have had over the past few months. I feel so blessed that we've been able to work on this show for so long and grow so close with each other. I don't want to come across as a dramatic theatre kid, but this show has changed my life.

I feel more confident. That always happens in things like this--the more you do it, the more you believe in yourself, the more you learn, the more you grow. The closer you get with the cast. And do we ever have a special cast--in so many ways. This has been a journey of courage for me. If I were to be totally selfish, I would say this is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I have so many people to thank--mainly the people who have made it possible for me to do this (like my family; Jeff and my parents and siblings and other sitters and my daughter, who I love so much, yet have had to be away from quite a bit). I'm so blessed and honored and humbled to be given this opportunity! It's all I have ever wanted. I remember seeing the stage for the first time since I got the role and breaking down into tears because my heart felt so full that I didn't know what else to do. I've missed doing what I'm doing now and I feel at home here.

Tomorrow is going to be a day I will never forget.

I feel very prepared. Ready. Excited. Fireworks!

Congrats to the folks who won the two tickets to the show tomorrow! Opening Night! Can't wait to see you there. For those of you who have tickets--thank you for supporting me and enjoy the show! For those of you who would like to buy tickets, you can purchase them here!

I'll leave you with this! Everybody Cut Footloose!

xo
Courtney


Footloose at the Arts and Culture Centre from Kathryn Lear on Vimeo.