Sunday, February 19, 2012

I don't feel "fireworks"

coat & shoes from my mother in law, old navy dress, f21 pearls & sweater
charlotte russe tights, j crew bracelet from @justpatie, sparkles of hope bracelet
(ps...this is my favorite outfit I've posted in ages)

I wrote this May of 2010... I feel weird changing anything in it since it represents a part of who I was at that time. I do think I jump to conclusions, and I stereotype a little too harshly. Perhaps what I meant when I said "we" was actually "I" but I was too naive to realize it then.

A good friend once told me in conversation that our generation expects fireworks from life. It's definitely true. We've become numb to a lot of things. Indifferent. Apathetic. The only way to feel something is to do drugs, or so becomes the general consensus.

I don't think life is about fireworks. I think that is a product of video games, movies and books. That, or our friends playing up their lives to match something of the sort, when reality is much different.

What the hell is love anyway?

I don't feel fireworks when I look at my daughter, but I sure as hell love her more than I love anyone else on the face of this planet. I feel nothing; However, I would do anything for her. I live my life for her. I am in awe of how beautiful she is and that I have created her. She grew inside me for nine months and I gave birth to her. This stuff absolutely amazes me but I don't go around feeling high off life. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I am so happy. I am so in love with my baby girl. Life is excellent. I am so blessed. There are no fireworks.

You watch these TLC shows of a Baby Story. You expect that when you have your baby girl your life will feel complete and full and excellent, when in reality you want to go to sleep and you feel like a stranger just handed you a baby and gave you a lifetime of responsibility. I didn't cry. There were no fireworks. But it was the best day of my life. I loved seeing my baby, but I didn't feel like she was mine. I feel that way now when I walk into a room and she sees me and smiles at me because she is excited to see me. That feeling is worth a million dollars.

I'm not numb.

Disney movies bring me to tears; they create wishes and dreams and hope and aspirations for your life. They create such strong emotions and high expectations. That's what they do to me. I know Disney is extremely controversial, but I love it regardless. Those wishes and hopes are real, but when they're fulfilled, sometimes there are just no fireworks. And that is okay.

Love doesn't have to happen at first sight. It's possible that love can happen over time, during the process of getting to know somebody.

I heard the most beautiful quote the other day on televison... I'm going internet hunting to try and find it now. This, in my opinion, is the most beautiful quote about marriage I have ever heard. It is so true.

This comes from Shall We Dance 2004.

”We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed because I will be your witness'."

Anyway, I have no idea how to wrap up this entry, so I'll just say that just because you don't feel awesome every single minute of the day does NOT mean your life isn't completely awesome.

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Thank you for taking the time to read and comment; I really appreciate it. I do my best to follow up on each one.
xo Courtney

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